Wednesday, January 14, 2015

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This little item came over the Interwebbie machine last night . . . S.L.

46-year-old Carolyn Kesel of Seneca Falls, New York went to a Walmart last week, bought two small bottles of vanilla extract . . . and decided to CHUG them in the parking lot.

It messed her up so much that she started drunk driving around the parking lot, and couldn't figure out how to get out.

When the cops pulled her over, it turned out she had a blood-alcohol level of .26 . . . which is more than three times the legal limit. She was arrested for felony driving while intoxicated.

It turns out vanilla extract is 41% alcohol . . . which means it's 82 proof. That's actually LESS alcoholic than some other forms of extract . . . orange and peppermint extract are both 89% alcohol, or almost 180 proof.

There's a little corner of the Interwebbie where the Brothers meet . . . I call it the Double-Extra-Top-Secret-Unauthorized-Special-Forces-Illegal-Team-Back-Channel-Frequency . . .

. . . the conversations always there go One Step Beyond . . .

Team Guy: Good information . . . Can't afford a six-pack get the Extract LMAO

S.L.: I bet you can buy it in bulk somewhere for half price . . .

S.L.: 25 ounces to 750 ml . . . 25 / 2 = 12.5 . . . $4.12 X 12.5 oz's = $51.50 . . . not a cheap high

Team Guy: Oh damn . . . never was good at math . . . Imagine the charges though - under the influence of vanilla extract . . .

S.L.: "So, what are you in for?" . . . "uh.. vanilla, man.." . . . "No, I didn't ask what you ARE Honky . . . I asked what are you IN FOR ? ? ?"

Team Guy: ROFLMAO ! ! !

S.L.: I wonder if the vanilla itself has any effect? Hmmm . . . I bet we have some in the kitchen cabinets . . . hmmmm . . .

Team Guy: Empirical research


Like any good Child of the Seventies . . . always in search of the Next High . . .

Team Guy: Doooooooooh

S.L.: Anybody ever want to know . . . that's some pretty rough stuff to chug . . . dddnt smmm t2 B hvign aany efffct thougggh . . .

Team Guy: LOL

S.L.: We're carving out some new frontiers here menzes . . . . SCIENCE ! ! ! I can see an opportunity smuggling footlockers full of this shit into US FOBs that fall under General Order No 1 . . . "PSST Hey Buddy - you want some VANILLA???"

Team Queen: I know. My words exactly.

S.L.: OK Team this is where I went with it . . . took a pint of half & half . . . added about a cup of vodka . . . about 3 tablespoons of really dark dark DARK cocoa powder . . . about 2 tablespoons of expresso coffee . . . then I jammed that 2 oz's of Vanilla Extract in there . . . shook it all up . . . all I need now is what to NAME this milkshake ? ? ?

Bionic Team Guy: How about WILLY PETE?

S.L.: Willy Pete is a DAMN GOOD NAME for it . . . seeing as my favorite soul singer is Wilson Pickett and I started out as a Mortar Maggot ! ! !

Team Queen: How does it taste?

S.L.: Sort of like alcoholic sump oil out of the bottom of an M151 jeep.

Bionic Team Guy: LOL Mortar Maggot might fit it better. Replace the vodka with 151 and call that the Willy Pete.

S.L.: Hmmm . . . not a bad idea . . . 151 is some pretty lethal brew, perfectly good for mixing with shit . . . and I had a lot of WEIRD EXPERIENCES partying with the Puerto Ricans back in the Eighty-Duece . . . never a dull moment that's for sure . . .

You want to know what war is like? Re-read the dialogue above . . . these are the kinds of conversations you have in war . . .




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