Friday, July 13, 2012

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The key word here is SURVIVAL. Most people think you need a .30 cal hunting rifle or a shotgun with a slug barrel to bag an elk or a kodiak bear. This is actually a flawed thought process- the start point is to develop a proper survival mindset. All you actually need to survive in any environment is your mind, but for the purposes of this exercise we're going to drop you out there in the Alaskan wilderness with a razor sharp hunting knife and a bag of salt.

That's it - just a hunting knife and a bag of salt. Nothing else - not even rucksack, canteen, sleeping bag, boots, clothes, nothing. All that's stuff's a crutch, and besides, with the hunting knife you can make anything you need.

The first logical step is to get some leaves to cover yourself so your junk isn't out there swinging in the breeze - I mean, you don't want people laughing at you while you go about the serious business of surviving. Leaves will have to cut it for now, but of course you're going to need animal skins - preferably with fur - and you're going to need them fast because it gets cold in Alaska, even in the summertime.

To take an elk, use the knife to fashion a six foot staff and use cordage to bind the hunting knife to the staff as a speartip. Then, you lay out your bag of salt as a deerlick to attract elk. When elk come, you jump out and spear one. If they all bolt, you give chase. We humans, with sweat glands, have built-in cooling and as such we can run continually without tiring. Deer or elk on the other hand will overheat, eventually they will tire, lay down for a rest and probably have a heart attack. At that time you can jump out and let them have it and finish them off with your spear.

H-e-e-e-y all we're talking about here is Bambi, right?

Then you take the salt and use it with the brains of the animal to tan the hide. First order of business is to fashion a loincloth for yourself, and some rudimentary moccasins. Also use the leather to create thongs for your woman - put these aside you will use them later.

In the meantime, refresh yourself on some tasty elk steaks; you'll need your strength for the next part. You may consider rubbing urine from the elk's bladder or musk glands all over your body to mask your scent, because next we're going bear hunting. The urine and the musk glands have the dual purpose of making you irrisitable to women, which is good because you're going to require maximum charisma annd extraordinary powers of persuasion to get your woman to cooperate for this next phase:

Using the spear/knife as a digging stick, dig a DEEP pit - about 10'x10'x20' deep at least. Cover the pit with twigs and leaves. Now you're going to need some kodiak bear bait - salt won't cut it; this is going to take some teamwork. Wait until your woman is having her monthly time, then use the leather thongs to tie her spreadeagled over the leaves. She will have to be naked of course, this goes without saying. Then go hide behind a tree or a rock or something and wait. When the kodiak comes sniffing around because he smells that fresh ripe red snapper and he goes for it, he's going to fall through the leaves and the fall will probably knock him out.

How hard can it be? I mean, we're talking about a relative of the Koala bear, right?

The rest is easy; you drop down onto the kodiak bear from above and let him have it with your knife. If during this critical phase you drop the knife no problem; when the bear does that huge roar thing, you shove your entire arm ALL THE WAY DOWN the animals throat, reach all the way down and grab his *sshole from the inside and pull the bear inside out.

That's all it takes - simple when you think about it, really. Who needs guns?

What are your questions?



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