Saturday, December 10, 2011

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The 112th annual Army-Navy Game will be played today just outside of Washington DC. I'm sure I don't need to say who I'm gunning for.

I hate to admit it, but Navy usually wins these engagements. In fact, Navy has won nine out of the last ten games. Everybody knows why Navy wins but nobody's allowed to say it. One of the benefits of writing under a pseudonym is that I can say the outrageous and the irreverent, so here goes:

William Perry, a.k.a. The Fridge, played for the Chicago Bears 1985-1994

In American football - known as 'Gridiron' in the Commmonwealth - you need these big linebackers, guys like The Fridge.

The trouble is, in the military we have this thing called "Height and Weight Standards". Army cadets are in the Army, and as such their primary mission in life is to learn how to break things and kill people, all the while marching in step, keeping in the correct uniform, correct height and weight standards, passing PT tests, maintaining 3.5 grade point averages with classloads that include calculus and quantum mechanics, and - because they are West Pointers - eating with the correct fork.

The Navy, on the other hand, not only doesn't give a damn about any of that all-important military crap, they couldn't understand it if you tried to explain it to them, even if it was in comic book form. All the Navy cares about is anchors aweigh, polishing brass and keeping the enlisted swine out of Officer Territory, which is any place in the ship that has blue linoleum.

For the Navy, the whole point of having a football team is to Beat Army, and so they ignore their height and weight standards - just like they ignore their academic standards - and field a team of mighty maritime gladiatorial Goats capable of crushing the Army Mules (who are actually military epicurean brainiac soldier athletes, like the ancient Spartans).

The dirty little secret that everybody knows is that if the Navy DID apply their height and weight standards, there wouldn't BE a Navy.

Go Army, Beat Navy!


Today's Bird



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